I sat here tonight trying to come up with a topic for my next blog post and I had no idea what to write about and what I wanted to share about. My blog is supposed to be about crafting and its funny because I have done so much and do so much but recently my world has been turned upside down and I am not even sure how to get it back topside.
I was going over my blog notifications and I noticed this young lady who liked one of my posts so I started checking out her blog because the name intrigued me. Her blog is centered on her recovery from an eating disorder. I applaud her for her bravery in coming out and posting things about it and trying to help others like her. In a minute I am going to tell you why but I guess I am just stalling to keep the truth a secret just a little longer. I guess no time is better than the present so as I sit here guiltily eating this damn McDonalds burger (which to be 100% honest I HATE red meat and McDonalds so my lack of funds has driven me to the dark side here..) I guess its time to tell my story.
A lot of my life has been dealing with either weight issues or issues surrounding the lack of money and material things. Ever since I was young kids would make fun of people with eating disorders like…. who would starve themselves when you could just diet? Who would throw up when you could just not eat it? How can they do that? Look how stupid *insert kid’s name here* is for making herself throw up again. Basically the hatred and just pure evilness was thick in the air around the topic of eating disorders. I never knew that an eating disorder could be for a person who wasnt starving or throwing up. So here is where my story begins…. grab a snack.. grab a drink… its about to get real.
I mentioned before in otherposts that this is the 4th time that I have set out to start my weight loss journey. The first time, I had just had my son and I was the smallest I had ever been. I could almost get into a size 18 pants! I was so proud of myself. I am not really sure what began the downfall but it was pretty quick that I ended up in a size 22/24 and had given up hope of ever getting back down to an 18/20. I was depressed after having my son, I was depressed after issues with his father. I couldnt escape the black hole that I found myself in. The second time, it was by peer pressure that I started attempting to get RNY surgery. My mother talked me into gastric bypass and I thought it was something that I would want until I read all the things that can happen afterwards and so on. I was terrified. I was having trouble losing the weight that they wanted me to lose in order to get the surgery and out of my fear of the surgery itself, I started to use that as a reason to stop trying.. basically. My excuse was “ohh I cant lose the weight, I cant get the surgery, ohh well.” Done. The third time was more recently… I would say early last year. I had my gallbladder removed after years of pain (and not knowing that it was an attack because of my gallbladder). I dropped 30 pounds eating nothing but Ramen noodles and saltines after surgery. I was so excited. I was doing good things. I was almost down to 300 pounds. Then, some sick twisted entity out there (aka my eating disorder) decided to hell with that. I gained all the weight back… up to 360 pounds AGAIN. Someone help me! I finally hit the nail on the head. I finally realized what my problem was. I go for hours without eating all day and then at some point may make a healthy eating choice but I binge eat. I will be in a stressful situation or randomly have a craving and binge eat all the savory shit I can get my hands on…. fun… -_-
I finally admitted to myself what was wrong and admitted to another person what was wrong when a Facebook friend who is a photographer wanted to do an awareness project so to speak. I don’t want to give details about that because it’s not my work to share on but I was interested in the eating disorder topic. I told her my story… I told her about how I am desperately trying to lose weight (at least 40 pounds) so that A. I can feel better physically B. I can work easier C. I can be around for my son longer and D. I need to duhh! I told her how in my head I know that if I don’t lose this weight I will be in for all sorts of bad things. I will be uncomfortable all the time, I will get diabetes, I will possibly die, I will continue to be sick all the time, I will not be able to get a new job because I will be stuck struggling, I will be…. I don’t need to share this sob story.. it’s just bad. I know these things in my conscious state of mind. I know that I need to be the one to make the changes. I know that I am ready to change. I know that when I do certain things I get good results and then……. smh I don’t even know. I don’t even know what to say, what to call it, what to… how to describe it. I know that I don’t eat when I am bored. I would rather do some sort of diy or sleep when I am bored. Every so often I get this spell where I need all the cheese fries and chicken nuggets and soda and chips and whatever else. I can not for the life of me figure out my trigger. Sometimes its my time of the month that brings the cravings. Sometimes its seeing something on tv. Sometimes I can literally feel myself arguing in my head and I am well and conscious about the fact that I am eating or picking something to eat that I shouldn’t and I just cant stop myself. I have even in the middle of bites consciously thought about what I was doing and still….. wtf. Like I know that my life is depending on this weight loss. I know that I have so much riding on this. I know that I am running out of time and… here come the water works…. why cant I stop? I had to take a break from writing this yesterday when I started so the beginning isn’t in real time anymore. I ate pretty good today but when I leave work tonight and still haven’t eaten and am starving as I am, and am going home to a house with a broken fridge/freezer (which equals no home cooked food) what am I going to do? I will tell you what I am going to do. I am going to make the same stupid decision. Fast food. Within the 45 minutes that this has sat here on my screen while I continued to work and people kept asking where they can get delivery from, I have decided to get some food from a local place and it was healthy! YAY ME! Small accomplishments go a long way.
Anyways… my deep dark secret is that I binge eat at random times and deliberately (apparently) counteract my entire weight loss program every single time. I am going to get help. I am going to over come this… thanks for reading.